UNSEEN

Janet FarnsworthGeneral Blogs Leave a Comment

I have spent my whole life wanting to be seen.

To be seen and loved.

Men especially.

‘Men’ because somehow to be seen and wanted by them gave me added proof of my value, my worthiness…

Oh I want to be loved by everyone … men, women, YOU…

But somehow I knew that it was men who would fill the emptiness inside and make me feel whole.

So I focused on how to get and keep their attention.

I learned that to be thin, blonde, beautiful, to wear these clothes, move that way, say this, BE THAT…. would secure his gaze.

And any imperfection – fat, cellulite, age, illness, fatigue, ‘selfishness’ – was to lose his love.

All became a prison of my own making.

Some of that was my (mostly) straight sexuality, and the organic (delicious) dance of seduction – which I embrace and celebrate.

And

Some of that was a toxic co-dependent, bullshit inner script which taught me I would never be enough.

Because the world around me was all too ready to collude with me, and show me there was always a way to look better, be better, be MORE.

(The tragic irony is how much I did look the ‘right way’, and understand now how much privilege I enjoyed as a white, blonde, able-bodied woman…)

I still knew I was never enough.

The shame and self-hate buried deep in me, and no matter what I looked like:

I just knew I was disgusting.

******

When I was two I was assaulted by a male family member.  I remember vividly the feeling of being choked. Not being able to breathe – literally suffocated as his body smashed mine.

What I have come to understand is that more than the physical pain, the lasting trauma was the feeling of utter aloneness.

Because in that moment, there was No One and Nothing.

And when that agonizing and breathless moment passed, and I could open my eyes, I realized my perpetrator was there too.

It seemed he was all I had.

So I came to believe that to not be alone, a man was what I needed.

And the first step was to have him notice me and BE SEEN.

And then the pain would leave,

and I could be loved.

*********

ENOUGH.

I DO NOT NEED THE MALE GAZE.

I CAN STAND ALONE AND STILL KNOW LOVE IS HERE.

I CAN BE UNSEEN …

AND WHOLE.

Hoping there may be something here for you too.

With love, J

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