I was with my lover not long ago, and knew I wanted to spend some time alone. I was desperate to make some space for myself without anyone else around…
I wanted to sleep and wake without anyone’s influence – however kind or well-meaning. I wanted to hear my thoughts only, and be utterly attentive to what was inside.
I wanted to know without the mental static of my need to keep others happy what *I* wanted to be happy.
But I knew – or I imagined – this would be the worst thing I could say to him. New in our relationship, I was quite sure this would be the blow that would end us. In fact, just the week before he had expressed a desire to have more time with me.
And
My feelings wouldn’t go away. My need was an ache that would not stop.
So I spoke.
I listened to my own truth, and let it be said…
I opened my mouth, and risked losing everything.
And OMG. He didn’t leave.
In fact, he said he understood and, wait for it…
even felt the same sometimes.
He said he too desired the company of only himself, and welcomed those moments when it was just him.
Go figure.
And then?
Something amazing happened.
I felt more relaxed. Less worried about saying the “right thing”…
A little bit more ME.
And when I could be more Me, I wanted to be more with Him.
Whaaa?
Somehow miraculously, in the speaking, I felt closer and more open to him than I had before.
So, I left (!)
I mean, I took time. I sank into a period of solitude that fed my soul like nothing else. It was deeeelishus. So good, in fact, it’s a regular part of my life now.
And when I went back – when I AM back – there is more love, more intimacy, more satisfying connection.
I am lucky – so lucky – to have a lover who is resilient, and open to be in the conversation with me.
But here’s the thing: Even if he were NOT that person, I STILL needed that time to myself.
Saying the “right” things to secure his affection was not My Truth.
And every minute of my compromise was a minute I compromised my Soul.
And if he HAD in fact rejected me, or left, which price is higher?
Losing Him….
or Losing Me?
Oh, I’m not saying it’s easy. For me, it is still probably the hardest challenge in my life.
I have spent most of my life careful about what I say. How I express. Tone of voice. Words chosen…
The very manner in which I deliver news.
My news.
Most of the time I don’t think I even realize it. A smile here, a nod of affirmation and agreement there.
I just know that whenever I am communicating with someone, almost as instinctively as breathing, there is the being sure to say the “right” thing rather than the “true” thing.
As if my whole being was geared to secure the other’s good will.
As if to speak naturally is dangerous.
And I suppose it is. Sometimes what is in me is not popular, or pretty. I may offend or alienate someone. I may even trigger a response that God forbid, makes them disappointed or upset with me.
Cuz really, that would be the worst, right? To disappoint someone and lose their attachment or love.
Well, yes. In some very real ways that IS the worst thing. It is perfectly reasonable to want to be attached, and secure, and feel loved.
The question is: At what price?
What is the cost of speaking from a place which is defined by the desire to keep someone’s affection?
What happens to the feelings inside which want something different?
What happens when the thing you are saying – or NOT saying – is the experience of your Soul??
Below find a brief 24 minute practice to open the energy center of communication – your throat chakra, called the Vishuddha in Sanskrit.
Loving you from here.
